I follow Jesus this way too
“You cannot be Gay and Christian “There is nothing like being attracted to your same sex if you claim to be a Christian.”
These are but among the messages I read online or verbally heard from my fellow Christians anytime the topic of same sex attraction accidentally came up. In almost all the Christian environments I had been in, people who experienced same sex attraction had been spoken of as being out there, always referred to as “those gays”. Since I knew no one else in the Church who was contending for their faith in-spite of their same sex attractions, I despaired. No matter how much I sought to assume these attractions by diving deep into every ministry in the Church, they just never went away. A period came when it felt like I had lost the battle. I could not assume my Faith, Jesus was just too persistent in my heart, and I could not run from my same sex attractions, for if anything, they only seemed to grow stronger every day. Since I could not be Christian and Gay/SSA, I remember this day when I finally decided to call it quits . I sent a long letter to my Pastor explaining why I could no longer continue serving. That same evening, I wrote what felt like my last words, the heading read I QUIT!
I wasn’t quitting on my faith, NO, how could I, Jesus seemed the realest! I was basically saying, “I cannot ignore my feelings of same sex attractions, and I didn’t know how to remain Christian amidst them.” Being home with Christ felt like the only comfort; I became suicidal!
“Mungu naye ni nani”; I remember this evening when I was despaired of all hope and I was just online. For I guess, one last time, I googled “same sex attracted and Christian”. As it is obvious, google flooded my screen with many responses. One was outstanding though; it was from an Associate Professor of Biblical studies at a certain seminary. His memoir had been beautifully poured into a small book called “Washed and Waiting”, Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality. Wesley Hill (the associate professor) wrote, “that day, I tried to explain to Chris the sense of brokenness, the shame of feeling. I said “Sometimes I feel that no matter what I do, I am displeasing to God…. of course, the really frustrating part is that I can’t just turn off this orientation like a spigot (a tap). I can’t choose not to be gay. Does that mean I am locked into this feeling of being unacceptable to God?” Then later on he seeks to offer an answer to this puzzle, he says, “what if I were to view my sexual orientation, temptations and occasional failures not as damning disqualifications for living a Christian life but rather as part and parcel of what it means to live by faith in a world that is fallen and scarred by sin and death?”
For the first time I was reading about myself and the conviction that I had struggled to hold, being affirmed. It seemed like I had taken in a fresh breath of hope. Kumbe, whether my same sex attractions persisted, I could still faithfully follow Christ. Maajabu! Saying this revolutionized how I reflected on my experience is under-statement, but it did!
That was a few years back. Now I am madly in love with Christ. I have heeded his call to serve him full time in the Christian ministry. And the message that I have continued wishing to be heard by all who wrestle with their Faith and Sexuality is this; God is for you! He has chosen you! For this reason, you can lay everything at his feet and experience his grace, power and strength to be conformed into the image of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Your story may never be spoken of as one which the same sex attractions went away. It may also never be that of developing strong emotional or sexual desire towards your opposite sex, but this does not mean that Christ has failed. I can summarize the holiness that he expects from you as; receiving righteousness that comes from believing in him (Jesus Christ). And two, submitting your sexuality to him. This will mean putting to death all that which is contrary to his truth as revealed in his word. It will also mean pursuing by the power of the Holy Spirit all that comes with your experience, all that which is consistent with his truth.
In my life (which is far from being perfect), this has meant a commitment to not pursue same sexual relations since I am convicted that God prohibits that. On the other hand, it has meant a devotion to loving my fellow men in ways that honor God and them. This has led me to process my male crushes in prayer, asking God for wisdom to flee or begin praying for that person even as I get to know them. In many ways, I am no longer full of shame because of my experiences, rather with my eyes on Christ, I am able to embrace my sexuality, not to be the core of who I am, but as an avenue that allows me to continue experiencing Christ mightily.
I am not in any way offering a manual of how you need to process your desire. No way! If I were to do that, I would direct you to Jesus! I believe as you place your Faith in him, he is so much able to lead you into all that he has commanded for your obedience.
Dear Christian experiencing/struggling with same sex attractions, if there is any hope that is found in knowing you are not alone, may it come upon your heart in abundance. If there is any encouragement in understanding that God wills for the best of you even in this, may it flood you in all your days. And if you seek for a better testimony, may it be rooted in God’s truth.
I follow Jesus this way too. And he is FAITHFUL!