Today, I thanked God for men.

Today as I had my daily walk, I started by thanking God for creating men (I mean the male human species). And that he allowed me to be attracted to them. Even to the extent that I tend to love some so deeply. I thanked him for creating some tall others short, some fat while others slim. To others he gave very long beards (or should I say facial hair), which for your information I find very attractive. Others like me, he gave only little beard on the chin, which to be honest I find very convenient, I am never worried about keeping them tidy.

Now, growing up I had this imagination that older guys bodies (remember by then I was still a pre-teen so think of older guys as anyone past their adolescence age) were very magnificent. I would imagine the broadened shoulders, the deepened voice, the hair in the different parts of the body. And the obvious question of, how much bigger could the private parts grow. That used to fascinate my little brain (read heart).

As a 32-year-old man, I still find some men to be very adorable. Some of them are because of certain physical attributes. While others it’s an emotional connection. And to some others, I can’t really explain why. I remember a certain friend in my time in Beijing whom I know I just loved him. I could not just explain (well, honestly, there is one physical attribute, which I am ashamed to confess to the public, which would turn me on really bad, but apart from that, nothing more). And yet I loved him so much even though it was unrequited love. My journal pages can tell a part of the story of how that season look like. Sorry, I digressed.

So yes, today I took time to thank God for creating men. I let him know (though he already does) that there are times I am tempted to explore a physical connection with them, one that is beyond a hug, beyond a healthy touch, but one that is in the line of sexual relation. I let him know that I know he has allowed that (sexual relation), to be only experienced between one man and one woman in the context of marriage. Being his creation, and his beloved child, I can’t question him for doing that. At the best, I can only obey (read, daily TRY to surrender). That does not mean I cannot lament how much it feels not right that some people should be allowed to enjoy something the way they experience it and I am not. I mean, think of all the sex that straight people are having! And here I am, surrendered to living a sexual ethic that feels opposed to what feels very natural to me.  I guess that’s why I resonated with this Instagram post by David Bennette. He says “Being Celibate gay Christian is the definition of risk. If the Gospel is not true, and all that exists leads to nothing, you are the most to be pitied. You gave up the highest form of love, apart from friendship, that exists. If God is real, you are a martyr-like-cross-carrier, who will receive a monument and name better than marriage.”

As I continued praying, I remembered some things I have been reading this week. One, being how much I can allow what feels to be my ‘lack’, to be of an opportunity to experience God in depths in depths that only one in this situation can. This is something I long for. And I think I have a taste of it, but I need to go deep into those depths. If I have to miss on one love, I need to be fully wrapped in the other one. God knows how competitive I am!

In this moment of prayer walk, I was also reminded about two friends I encountered last week. Both really sweet. One told me he loves me, genuinely. The other said he is my friend, and he hoped I can consider him one too. I loved hugging the former tightly, seeing him listen to me and commit to support me in the work I am called to do. To these and many more I hope to enjoy and celebrate. God, thank you for creating men.