I am not done with you yet, God..

Do you have moments when you feel done with God? Not that you no longer love him, or are not interested in continuing to relate with him, but that he has failed to meet your expectations so many times that you wonder, “what’s the point?”

I have had these episodes in my life. The first time it happened, it was tough, I feared I was losing my faith, I was losing the call of ministry, I was losing my Christian community, and I despaired of life. The other time when it happened, part of me felt like I was willing to lose all that I have and begin afresh. Just thinking about it made me shudder. I knew my thinking was wrong. However, I allowed myself to sit with God in these thoughts knowing they did not scare him, but knowing very well too, he cared enough to listen.

You see, some of us were brought up by typical African parents. Where, when you were young and threatened to leave home for good, the next thing they’d do would be to reduce the food quantity for that evening, because I mean someone was actually leaving. Someone shared about how his brother was throwing a tantrum that he was moving out and live in the streets, his mother watched him leave, the boy thought his mother would go after him, but she continued doing her stuff, unbothered. The boy stayed in the cold for hours and when he decided to come back in the house later at night, everyone was sleeping peacefully. And when he went to the kitchen, no dinner was left for him. Now, some consider that as tough love, and will argue the parents’ actions spring from love. That though they look unbothered, from the outside, their hearts are breaking and yearning for them.

Now, this is not a commentary on African culture, so I will not try to prove the African parents’ actions as either right or wrong. Here are just things that God will do that the African parent whom I described above may not do: God will tell you he loves you (John 3:16), that he delights in you and rejoices over you with a song (Zeph. 3:17)), he will go after you when you are leaving or have left (Luke 15:4), he will run to welcome you from a distance when he sees you returning  (Luke 15:19b), and your position in his house will always remain, not a slave, but a son (Rom. 8:15)

So, when I have had my moments of throwing these tantrums (honestly then they don’t sound like tantrums, they are real expressions of what I am feeling) and left that space feeling like if I can’t tell where I am at, am I still in God’s camp or the enemy’s camp? When I have gone back to the house and all that can comfort me are words from NF’s latest album, “Fear”

Standing back, watching my mansion burn to ash while I
Hold the gas can, asking God if He started this fire
Is this what You wanted? Is this what You wanted?

I have seen God seek me out. I have seen him place people and things in my life to offer me what I need in that moment. Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on. Or a movie to distract me. Sometimes it’s just enjoying some daily routines that by my own I wouldn’t otherwise, like jogging early in the morning. Other times it’s actually helping me go through a spiritual discipline that in that moment is not exciting but painful. Saying this reminds me how the other day I woke on a personal fasting day, and I was not feeling great with God, so, I didn’t want to fast. I told myself I will try taking a walk, hoping it will be a prayer walk. Then I’d see if after the walk I would take breakfast or spend the day in prayer and fasting. Well, I wish to say he carried me through the day. My prayer points were not well thought of and much of my prayers were laments and I kept thinking I would break the fast at anytime. I was surprised to find answers to some of those prayers before the end of that day. Praise be to God!

This is the story of my life. Yours might look different. Remember, when we write we have a tendency to show you the best parts of our stories. So, if you read this and felt like you can never measure up to me, then, you got it all wrong. My prayer for you in writing this is that you will recognize God’s steadfast love, God’s unwavering commitment to you, and God’s caring attention to all that you bring to him. He is for you. He is not done with you yet.