Next came the part I dreaded most; having to tell someone I could trust what I had been going through. Who could I trust with such a burden, someone who I knew couldn’t use it against me in any situation? After much prayer and deliberation, I approached my pastor, ready for any response from the ends of the spectrum; understanding and a genuine desire to help, or a tirade on how unfit I was to even tell him of such a terrible struggle.
I often despaired. God, why don’t You take away these feelings? I don’t want them. This would be a long prayer, one stretching close to seven years, into my pre-university and university years. It would make me feel like less of a Christian, and a fraud at worst. Being given leadership roles in the Christian Union made me feel like a stinking beggar wrapped in fine clothes; I didn’t deserve it. How can a man who is attracted to other men serve as a guide to the young in faith?