Author: Your Spiritual friend (anonymous)
Have you ever had a secret so devastating that the very thought of it being let out, rips through the fabric of your existence, your life and tear it into shreds? Have you ever been awake at night, unable to sleep, because a nagging thought at the back of your mind tells you in its evil whisper, ‘It’s out; everyone knows.” At times, you’re with friends, having a good time, laughs all around, but you just can’t shake off the feeling that they know something about you, and it’s only a matter of time before it’s out, laid bare for everyone to see and pick on, like vultures on a carcass.
That’s how my experience with same-sex-attraction is like. What’s worse (or better, depending on how you see it) is that I am a Christian. It’s odd, seeing those two words in a sentence right? You might be wondering, isn’t that just a long word that, at its core, means gay?
Following that thought, how can you be gay, and a Christian?
I’ll try to explain how that can be, using my own story as an example…
Growing up, for some reason, I just knew I was attracted to boys. Yes, and girls too, but the attraction to boys always felt stronger, more pronounced. I remember looking forward to new Mexican soap operas just to find out who the leading male star was. I would be drawn to boys, who my peers mostly referred to as the “hot ones”. I would watch movies and feel flutters whenever I saw the male actors either shirtless or in vests.
Enter puberty. That confused state, when hormones fly around like bats out of control. It was quite difficult for me because everyone was exploring this new-found emotion towards members of the opposite sex, and I was not, or rather could not, because my attraction, if expressed, would have led to severe punishment from the school administration. What was I to do? I tried jumping into the boat, and was humiliatingly tossed out with a, ‘Why would I date you?’ from several girls. Frustrated, and hormonal, I’d toss my luck into the shadows with fellow guys, and many times, it was a lucky toss. I shall not go into specifics, but you get what I mean.
All along, yes, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I had been brought up as a Christian, knowing the Bible and reciting verses and attending Sunday school. I knew it wasn’t right, but a part of me kept telling me, how else will you deal with all the emotions? How else will you get the satisfaction you need? So I went on, down and further down the rabbit hole, deeper into the life of a closeted homosexual teenager until something happened….
Salvation
I was in my third year of high school when I encountered Jesus in a whole new light. After wallowing in a dark, mud-filled pit, the hope He offered shone down in my despair. The love and grace I experienced was deeper than any I’d ever known. Despite what I had done, He had accepted me regardless. Regardless of how far gone I thought I was, He was always there, His Holy Spirit pricking at my conscience until I couldn’t bear it anymore. It was freeing, leaving behind that life and entering into the promise of a new hope and a new life filled with ever growing wonder.
And indeed, it has been. Growing in the knowledge of Him, His finished work on the cross, and the promise to all who believe – eternal life – has been of great encouragement to my soul.
The after
However, there was always that desire to be freed of the attractions I deemed ‘sinful’, the desire to have the right attractions; get a girlfriend, marry and settle down, get two kids and die at ninety. Yet they lingered. Despite living a new life, and avoiding the temptation to go back to the former one, I couldn’t help but notice when a cute guy entered the room. I couldn’t stop admiring my male classmates during games time, or swimming lessons.
I often despaired. God, why don’t You take away these feelings? I don’t want them. This would be a long prayer, one stretching close to seven years, into my pre-university and university years. It would make me feel like less of a Christian, and a fraud at worst. Being given leadership roles in the Christian Union made me feel like a stinking beggar wrapped in fine clothes; I didn’t deserve it. How can a man who is attracted to other men serve as a guide to the young in faith?
Read part 2 here