A Wink into My Heart.

I decided to start taking walks as a new hobby in this year. To make it more engaging, I decided to add listening to an audiobook while at it. The length of a chapter or two of the book would help me cover some good distance. And so far, it has worked fine. But this is not about audiobooks and habitual walks. It’s about something that happened during one such walks.

I was walking by the highway — don’t wonder why I chose the busyness of a highway; it was the better option between a very dusty but quieter one and I didn’t want my trousers collecting more than necessary evidence of my new hobby, and I sometimes like the distraction of rapidly moving vehicles while I’m slowing myself to concentrate — when I noticed a gentleman coming in my direction.

He looked interesting. He was light skinned and looked very gangster. He looked like the kind who would be liked by many girls. Very straight. Or maybe not. But would play them anyway. Maybe I was judging or this was really stereotyping but that was how my brain (or mind?) interpreted his look.

Then, out of nowhere, our eyes met and then he winked at me. Wait, dude, what was that? Why would you wink at me? Do I look attractive to you? Are you trying to hit on me? What does that even mean? Would you take my number? Are you going to text me and ask that we hang out or something? Erm…maybe I’d like that. Oh no! That’s not going to happen ever. I’m not going to have a one-night or one-day or one-hour stand with you.

All that happened within the same second he winked at me and the same second I dodged the wink — and whatever it meant — and gently bowed my head and continued walking while listening to my audiobook. How did I get here? From catastrophizing a wink to a one-night stand?

I walked on, determined not to look back at the unlikely possibility that he was winking at me from behind. Of course he was not. But I wouldn’t know. I walked about 300 meters more and then paused, my mind now distracted by this harmless but revealing experience.

What was I afraid of? The possibility of being hit on by a stranger? What did I fear about being hit on? What was the big deal about a wink? Yes, there are sexual innuendos about winking at someone randomly in the middle of nowhere when you don’t know them from anywhere. But why was I so scared? Why didn’t I think of the possibility that I could win a potential friend? Or a potential soul for the kingdom? Am I that insecure? Shocking…

I am so conscious of my sexuality that I fear if I entertain any hints of interest in me, I could be playing into temptation. I could like someone who actually noticed and probably liked me (enough to wink at me on a highway — gosh, I’m a hopeless romantic!). And that could be disastrous for me. I know this about myself, but this made me realize that I don’t need to continue judging myself by what I hope wouldn’t come near to tempt me.

Am I condemned if I smiled at the thought that another man actually liked me? No, I am not. However, I would feel like I was the object of a sinful affection.

Does my sexuality spell only doom for me at the slightest hint of interest from a passerby or even someone I already know? It shouldn’t. It should make me only see that even in my brokenness there is beauty.

I can imagine the ways in which carelessly entertaining advances can lead to unwanted sexual activity — and yes, I dread that. And so should you. Nevertheless, this experience made me realize that my sexuality sometimes pushes me into a posture that borders on abhorring any same-sex interests expressed towards me.

My mind works tirelessly to avoid any encounter that could make me indulge the thought that I’m wanted by another. Whereas it is healthy to keep a good distance between myself and temptation, seriously, how far could a wink go?

So, I am writing this to myself and to anyone else who might be struggling to accept the little, tiny sprinkles that come to affirm your beauty.

Whereas my sexuality experience makes me feel vulnerable and hesitant to receive untested male affection, I am tempted — not sure this is the word I should be using here right now — to let myself simply smile or wink back at the reaction of someone that I am also delightful to look at. That I can cause a gangster-looking guy to wink at me.

I pray that our past experiences and fear of future failures do not become filters for every innocuous encounter. I pray we will not be so self-conscious that we fail to see how our beauty could become a bridge for someone encountering God’s grace. I pray we’ll not entertain clearly unwanted advances that could lead us into sexual sin. But I also pray we’ll know the split-second wisdom that directs us to wink back or smile some grace unto the next guy when they pass us by. That could be a bridge to seeing God’s love through us. Just a wink.