Author: Altar Boy (anonymous)
This is the second time am penning this down. The last time I did so, I gave up writing when I was in the middle of it. I have been adamant on sharing my story for various reasons. However, the other day after reading a similar article posted by a fellow brother here, I was inspired to finish it up.
So here is my story.
I grew up a Catholic, I was baptized as a kid and raised up in the Catholic faith. We were taught in the catechism class that our mission in this world is to know, love and serve God. As much as I can remember, I have always yearned for God in every step of my life.
I am an only son in our family and I grew up in a neighborhood full of girls, so I found myself wanting to have friends who are boys like me. When I joined pre-school I made friends mostly with boys.
I remember vividly, back in primary school, being the only boy in my class who did not have a girlfriend. Well, one main reason is because I enjoyed the company of boys more, and this also worked for my good since I did not have to land in trouble like the other boys for messing up with girls.
I recall though that even then, I did not have much interest in girls and always wondered why I felt this way. Maybe it was because I yearned for that brotherly love that I never got as a child. Or as so, I consoled myself so. It was not until when I joined high school that I discovered my admiration to my fellow boys also involved a kind of sexual attraction. I also found out that the boys liked me as well. At this point I got scared because I was attracting the kind of boys I would refer as ‘sexual predators’ and just like a prey I had to learn to survive. So I changed my girlish mannerisms to look more masculine but that never really worked.
This also started conflicting with my faith, how can I be Catholic and gay? I knew much of the Bible to understand that homosexual practice was not allowed. I did not want to be a hypocrite, but the feelings were just overwhelming. It was while on campus that I had experiences that had me doubting my sexuality and to make it worse I was now addicted to pornography and masturbation. I started hating myself for this and this is when my struggle began.
It was at campus that I had experiences that had me doubting my sexuality and to make it worse I was now addicted to pornography and masturbation. I started hating myself for this and this is when my struggle began.
I sort out to look for a way to deal with my same sex feelings. I knocked at counsellor’s doors, went for therapy, talked to my seniors, attended deliverance crusades and even went for confessions to priests now and then for the same sins. Well, they offered solutions but most of them were short-lived as within a few days I was back at where I had started.
I grew weary. Nothing wretches me like the guilt I feel after I have done something which is wrong in God’s eyes. I even prayed to Him to get me a lady that would love and just stop all this. God heard and answered my prayer and I fell in love with a girl, and we immediately started dating. And shock on me, my same sex feelings persisted. This stressed me much, nothing that I sought to do seemed to work to take away these feeling. One priest though gave me this advice, one that has become engraved in my mind and has kept me moving. This is it, that, that God loves me, and I should seek to live one day at a time. The advice reminded me very well the chorus of a beautiful song that I used to hear my father play in his cassette deck, one by Merriam Bellina. It goes as following:
One day at a time sweet Jesus,
That’s all I’m asking of You,
Just give me the strength,
To do every day what I have to do,
Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus,
And tomorrow may never be mine,
Lord help me today, show me the way,
One day at a time.
The word from the priest and the song renewed my hope. Right now whenever I am tempted or am troubled by my same sex feelings I call upon God to give me self-control and when I fall, I repent, change my ways and I go back to him. He says in Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,and I will give you rest.” I have since grown closer to the Lord whom I have come to learn is compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15). I resolved and am willing to pursue his will in opposite sex marriage and I believe he will guide me through.
In conclusion I will say, let us remember that we are all created as sexual beings and in regard to our orientations, the God who loves us all has called us to holiness. I would urge my brothers and sisters in Christ that in all your daily struggles and hardships in life not only sexuality, but even sickness, job loss or disappointments, always trust in God and only Him to give you the strength to go through this life.
Also, I used to think that am alone in my struggle with my sexuality and that is why I hated myself for it. But in my journey, I have met strong believers whom despite all they are going through strive to live according to God’s will and together we are taking one day at a time!